I think that I'm going to end up being that person that dies, and nobody gives a fuck, I'll just be another casualty.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?

What would you call it when you would go to the ends of the earth for someone... but they barely even notice you're there?
Would you call it love? Infatuation? I don't know what the fuck I should do... Should I tell him? He doesn't even live in the same country as me.  I don't know what to do...

Closer to home, theres like fucking NOBODY I like.  I can't even stand the gay people I know in real life.  There are a few people that I have lame high-school-esque crushes on, but I'm guessing none of them are gay, as usual.

Fucking hell.

i love sundays, dont you?  of course that was sarcasm.  i hate sundays, they always bring me down.  and i dont really know why.  ive got two exams in the next two weeks that are pretty much gonna determine whether or not i can get into art school or not.

every once in a while i really feel like offing myself.  i dont know why... but i do... i think i should get some help... ...
if anybody reads this, im sorry for being an emo dick

fuuck
im tired
sooo many essays
damn trying to get into college
recently started reading the Loomis books online, practicing skull anatomy right as we speak,

i guess onto the actual reason i came here
i told this guy that i have a really big crush on that i did have a crush on him
we were good friends, even though he moved away, but now he stopped talking to me completely... and hes coming back for a visit after new years... and im kinda worried....
I wish he didnt play around with me ... he just had to lead me on... and i just had to be out of my mind enough to tell him.

People confuse me... i wonder if its time to become a recluse... they really do scare me

well, its been a while since ive been on here
umm not much different, just trying to get a new job and get better grades
this christian guy keeps on trying to convert me, i think that he thinks that my gay pride bracelet is a rastafarian bracelet XD
it makes me laugh
and something that also makes me laugh
THE MAT(T)HEWS!!
there are three guys, Matthew, Matthew, and Mathew that i would TOTALLY have my way with...
totally

well, i recently got a letter from Red Deer College (in case you dont know, i am canadian and albertan *waves canadian flag while having a beaver on head*) and it said that as soon as i send in my official transcripts, im accepted into their visual arts program. yaay. now all i need to do is raise my marks above their standards. that shouldn't be too hard, because i havent been tempted to smoke the marijuana lately and i wont for a long long time. after i complete the two year program at RDC, im planning on going on to the Alberta College of Art and Design to finish a BFA. hopefully by then my art wont be utter shit.
i saw that christian guy that i have like, a mad crush on, semi-staring at me again... fuck hes hot XD
and then theres this other guy whos been hanging around me and my friends. and im going to say one thing. i wants to boink him. oh, and then theres my co-worker that totally reminds me of Nick Frost (who i have a celeb crush on XD) and well, i wants to boink him too. ive been eating more, so im starting to lose the weird semi-annorexic body (ie, the bones that did poke out, dont anymore).
the only bad thing thats currently happening is the fact that ive been experiencing EXTREME paranoia. im going to talk to someone about that soon. but yeah
happy times for long time hopefully ^^!

oh my god, i had the most amazing dream last night
HE was in it
and he was talking to me
he said he wanted to get to know me better
and then...
THE PHONE FUCKING WOKE ME UP
grrrowl
i hate you phone
its to bad i have to have a crush on on this particular guy
because hes like... really christian apparantly
and i think he might be kinda fundie *sob*
ive never really talked to him *his voice is kinda funny XD like he hasnt reeeally gotten through all of puberty*
but.... i did see him stare at me in band class.... and i wasnt even dressed all gothy which would give him reason to stare... maybe my dreadlocks were weirding him out...
or maybe a guy can be hopeful ^^

last night... i did something i havent done in over half a year..

i cried...
i cried myself to sleep...

because i realized... im fucking worthless

fuck i hate sylvan lake so goddamn much
i hate it more than Fort Mac
at least in Cracktown i have friends to hang with
... i just want to fall asleep and wake up back home... in somebody's arms...
being single is shitty

.. i should probably draw more
i think im starting to get better...

*looks into mirror*
... Fuck you

... i hate myself